When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
