Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
