Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
