he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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