so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
