so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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