Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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