I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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