i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
