Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
