Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just gargled with NyQuil
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
