tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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