My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
