My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
