I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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