I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
