i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
