I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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