Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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