is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
