The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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