How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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