Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
