so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
