saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
