dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
