super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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