I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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