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My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
