Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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