Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
