Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
