shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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