forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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