I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
