i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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