I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
