she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
