Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
