I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
