Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
