Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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