Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
