i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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