yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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