I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You are a genius and a whore.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
