He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
