but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg šš
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dogās dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a āwater bottleā. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
