Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
