Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize