I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
