the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
