If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I am available for nakedness
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
