I'm passing your future prison.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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