Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
