is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
